Right here is what is in my heart right now.

I feel ashamed. Mainly of who I am. Partly of what I've done.
Who i have feelings for. Who doesn't have or does for me.
I want to cry. But it's hurting me to much right now.
I physically can't find enough pressure to force out any water.
This happens occasionally.
I go a little crazy. It just hurts so much.
I have a way out. There has been no infliction since April 13th 2007 00:27am.
I feel like in the past year i have been strong.
I know I'm not well in the head. Most teenagers say this. I've never met one as mad as me.
The things that go through my head.
The things i see. The things I make up, that feel so real.
Thats all my life is made up on. Some fairytale.
There's parts in my life where I can't tell if it really happened or not.
There are people in my life where I've made feelings up in my head for them so it feels like they loved me once.
People who didn't even know my name.
They still don't.
Everytime somebody loses me they always come back saying "I didn't realise how much I loved you til you we're gone"
But there's nothing left for them.
It hurts to much.
Sometimes i dream of such happy things.
Things where I'm the hero and everybody loves me.
Things like if i went missing how many people would come looking.
Sometimes I dream of things that might have happened to me.
But everyone keeps it a secret.
I don't understand.
Why do people do things that they do to me?
TSS. I'm scared about that.
I want to be a performer.
I'm not good enough.
Or pretty enough.
I'm glad i look the way i do.
I wouldn't right if i looked like anyone else.
I don't want to feed of other humans.
Sometimes i hate them.
Sometimes they don't realise how much effort i put in for them.
All they do is take me FUCK SHOPPING and buy me crap.
All i wanted was their love and attention.
To be proud of me.
But instead i'm pushed aside next to the line of other people they'd rather talk to.
All i get is gifts.
I don't like money.
I like holding hands.
I like smiling.
I like happy partners.
None of these clothes and shit can make me happy.
I don't want you to throw things at me.
While walking down the road.
I want love.
I want to do something silly like try and give them a piggy back.
I want someone to look at me and smile when i walk away.
Then smile as i walk back.
I want someone who can declare to the world that they love me.
It's not the peoples fault it's mine.
The thing they call the human brain.
Never. I make it all up.
At 3 in the morning. Everything will be okay.
Shh now. It's okay. Somebody will pay for this.
I promise.

Chrissy came back today. Feeling slightly unloved. That's okay. It was the usually response she got when she missed everyone so much and they barley reconised she'd gone. I understood that feeling.

It looks like Patricia wasn't being a complete twat and was just being heart broken but Chrissy fixed that up pretty quick. Words from the past. They just gave a helping words to the ones coming forward.

He's being a generally poop. Chrissy is always in a tither over this boy. She wants to talk to him. She said it felt like talking to a brick wall most of the time. "He always sounds depressed" she'd say "something must be bothering him, he just won't tell me what". I told her to move on. She said she can't because she is to "emotionally attached" because of everything they went through. It's all bullocks. I whatched her disintegrate into the floor. He knew how much he hurt her and he just continued to do it anyway. What's worse is that she let him. They'd always argue about it. She'd been through he's phone every now any again and how he still had pictures of other girls on his phone. Esspecially Alicia. She thought that he'd at least get rid of that one. No he kept it. That's why she can't go back to him. He always said he couldn't be with her because "I just like other girls". He actually said that to her, via text of course, but physically it was there in frount of her. She said that she'd probably always go back to him. She is weak. I was the only thing that stoped her. Now Luke can to.
That man will never know the extreams she would have gone for him. But never again. Not for noone. Ever.  
xxx.

Today is the day before Chrissy leaves. It's also the day after her beloved boyfriend Luke left. I think today she was feeling a bit sensitive. Anyway, we went to the shopping centre to buy some bras. We were in major need. So we went to La Senza. Chrissy and her best friend, Charlotte, absolutly love it. We got in there and picked out some underwear to try on. We came out and decided none of them fitted so went to look for a different size. We tried those on but when Chrissy came out the changing room she was crying. I took her to one side and decided it was best to hug her. We stood there for a while then in a cold shaky voice she said to me "When you have breast cancer, is there a hard fixed lump?" I looked at her for a while and started to cry too.

I didn't know what to do. We talked to mum and she said wait for the "Women's Cycle" to turn and then check because it might just be a scare. I don't know how i felt about this but for her sake I'm feeling quite scared.

After we ate lunch i helped her pack and it seemed to take her mind off things. She was having a mini dilemma about what to take for hand lugage. I guess that's just Chrissy being Chrissy.

She went on msn and was having a small argument with her ex-boyfriend David for some reason. She told me it hurts her to talk to him. She told him about the scare, we still have no idea, after all we have to wait for 2 weeks. He always seems to make her feel bad because he always says he still loves her. She really loved him but i supose its for the best. Personally, i think she needs to tell him to piss off, he did dump her twice. She has a new boyfriend now and she loves him a fucking lot by the sounds of things.

Chrissy also spoke to Patty today. They haven't spoken in a while. Chrissy seemed upset. Patty was meant to be a really good friend of hers but aparently she hasn't been showing it.

I'm still worried about this whole cancer thing. It might be nothing. I'm suposed to be strong for her but how can I when I'm so scared. What do you do when the most important person in your life has something like that? I really don't know.


Jayceekarh